Random talk session 284: it still hurts, meme, and initial d

hello diary..  it is the new year already. i wanted to abandon this blog completely. but alas, i cant..  too many memories i guess? even if there are the bad ones,,

i m still not over my crush.. i want to, but everything still reminds me of him.. tat is why i try to abandon this blog too, coz my feelings are still here.. i feel so stupid.. i wanna forget.. ughh i hate myself..

anyway.... the point is ths post is actually is the yearly meme.. so, yeah.. last year --> 2016 edition


What fandoms did you acquire in 2016?
 initial d lol and also, boykira the game.. as of date, i spend about rm700 on the game.. i am not even that good at that game.

also, i wanna tell the story of my initial d obsession lol.. i clearly remember, in the past, i was like, "initial d" that is the one anime tat i swear i will nvr watch coz the art is so ugly lolz but now.. it has become one of the best anime i watched! how did it started then? at first, i was kinda in a sekitomo mood, coz omg his voice ugh.. after tat, i was like, i wanna hear more of him.. after a certain recommendation, i went to watch initial d. and what do u kno, i actually like it. the anime is very cheesy actually, but the reason i love it that much, is actually the seiyuu. the 3 golden trio. miki shinichiro, seki tomokazu and koyasu takehito.. ah who am i kidding, these 3 are not just golden trio, they are like, the holy trinity. no  matter how much i love the newer seiyuu, they will nvr compare to these 3 oldies i wanna cry

What fandoms did you let go of in 2017?
none? i kinda getting bored of supernatural also lol 

What fandoms do you intend on checking out in 2016?
more seiyuu craze

highlights for 2016 is, that i finally went to japan. 

that is all i guess? i cant stay here too long.. 

Random talk session 283: heartbroken...

hello diary..

ok, like the title says, i m currently heartbroken..

my crush already find his love, and he is really in love.. and it sadden me so..

i feel like a fool for liking him in the 1st place...

and now, i m slowly tending to my broken to pieces heart..

oh well.. actually i dont want to think about it anymore..

i just want to forget this feelings..

but, i need to say this.. ever since he is in a relationship, he definitely change.. and not for the good, but kind of in bad way.. he only care about his new found love now, and dun care about his other friends anymore. to shorten, he is not a gentleman anymore. he wont wait for his friends, he wont help his friends. he only cares for his new love now. dude, pls dont be like that. to be in a relationship, doesnt mean that you have to abandon your (girl) friends.. he used to be so kind before. but now, i guess that kindness is only for his love.. why did u hav to change man? now i feel like i started to dislike him for what he has become..

okay, that is all for today.

i dont want tis feelings anymore...i hate you..

Random talk session 282

hello diary.. today is 9th of may,..

everyday is so hard now.. i am sad all the time.. i want to cry all the time.. i dont want to cry, but!! it is so hard to contain this feelings.. pls.. pls..

i dont want to feel this way.. i want to forget,,, pls let me fall for anyone else, i cant handle this feelings.. if i can fall for someone like him, most definitely i can fall for any other people, right? so pls, i beg to myself.. dont make me feel it anymore.. this crush is so painful!! i dont want it anymore... i cant take it anymore..

pls.. go away,..

i hope i can change my shift,,,

i hope he goes away asap..

seeing him everyday, hurts me everyday...

i try to avoid him, but how can i? when he is on the next shift, right after mine? when we are on the same shift??? the more i avoid him, the more it hurts when i accidentally saw him (while avoiding him).. it just makes me think about him,, even my dream cant escape from him... i hate that i m so weak, that i am such a loser, that i cant forget about him.

i already accepted that i will nvr be in a relationship with him. i know that so damn well, but why is that my feelings wont go away??? damn it go away alreadyyyy!!!!!!!!!!! i hate this feelings!!!!!!!!!! I HATE HIM!!!! THIS CRUSH IS OVER!!!! I DONT LOVE HIM!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT TO FORGET!!!!!!!!! I M SICK OF BEING SAD EVERYDAY JUST BECAUSE OF A FREAKIN GUY!!!!!!!!! I M MUCH BETTER THAN THAT!!!!!!!! I M MUCH BETTER THAN THAT!!!!!!! I AM A STRONG PERSON!!!!!!!!!! GOD PLS HELP ME, HELP ME TO FORGET HIM...

life was so much easier before.. i would just watch seiyuu videos...think of an idea to make a gif for my tumblr.. then making the gifs itself.. i would spent so much time on this, just to make mere 4 sets of gifs..

maybe i shud do that again.. maybe that is the distraction that i need.. but, the problem is, it is so hard to concentrate when all i think about is him.. anyway, maybe it is a start..

that is all for today i guess.. hoping tomoro is a better day..

Random talk session 281

hello diary..today is 4th of may..

so.. it has been, 2 weeks that i didnt write here.. nothing much happened i guess.. i didnt get to see him that much, and i admit, i really miss him. 

i miss him. yet, i try to avoid him. just like the other day, i use a different door to exit the lab coz i dun want to see him.. coz, i know, if i saw him, it will just make me miss him more. ugh. 

there are things, i want to talk to him, but my mouth just wont say it.. as a result, i didnt even talk properly to him.. i.. i hate that i m so awkward wit him.. 

so, the other day, our group, kinda has a bbq session at a park nearby, and we stayed overnight. i m not use to these kinda things (things like group activity..i m an introvert ok, i hate crowds and hate social activities).. while the others are enjoying themselves,i just stay quiet at the corner alone, not saying anything.. i felt kinda alone. but then, he ask me, "why are u so quiet?" i know, he is just saying that, bcoz he is a good people person, but still, it make me extremely happy, i started to cry after that.. (and since i was alone, nobody notice..). I was seriously feeling down, coz i feel like i didnt belong, but when he ask me that, suddenly, those feelings doesnt matter anymore. It is bcoz it was him that ask me the question.. how can i explain this feelings???? i.. i.. *sigh*

ok, so next day, i was working the day shift wit him.. unusually, things werent awkward much that day. i speak to him casually, and he was kinda, kind (?) to me.. i was feeling cloud nine that day i guess lol.. but of course, the next day, things become awkward again lol like, ugh

seriously, i just cant get myself to talk to him properly, if there are things he wants to give, he just gives it to me. no words exchange. like, my mind cant process what to say to him at all, so i just stay quiet. ugh.

ok, that is all for today i guess.. not much to tell anymore.. i just,, miss him..so dearly..

Random talk session 280

hello diary.. today is 15th of april (1.29am)

ok, more about my crush.. like, omg this guy, why does he acts so much "onee" ugh.. i just wanna facepalm.. and laugh, not at him, but at myself, for freakin fall in love wit that kinda guy.. like oh my god why does he is like that lol... anyway..  erm, so yeah, some things happened, and i got to take his pictures lol of course it happened indirectly.. i didnt ask for any pictures, but yeah, i m just so lazy to retell the story lol in short, i m just so happy that i got pictures of him XD

oh.. and earlier, i was singing "if i let you go" by westlife, and i thought about him, that i cry while singing,, oh my dear crush, you make me cry..

aii.. i dunno what else to write..that is all?

until next time..

Random talk session 279

hello diary, today is 9th of april..

just got off of work... still one nite to go..

yesterday was kinda bliss for me, coz i went to work wit him (on his car).. this is maybe one of the last chance that it is only us two.. sitting next to him, to talk to him, makes me so happy.. and now that we are apart again, i m still thinking bout him.. damn it..

i maybe look like i m avoiding him, but of coz i want to stay close to him always..

ugh.. oh feels..the feels is too much..

edit later..

hello diary,, today is 12th april.. i wanna add in some things...

so.. yeah,, thinking of my crush.. like, is just too funny.. like, so many people, and why i has to crush on him?? his biggest flaw, i m very very very bad to say this, but he is not that much of a man... lol.. kinda have this "pondan" vibe to him.. i have felt like that from the 1st time i met him. that is why, it is still a mystery that i can fall for this guy.. though he is kinda "onee" (the phrase in japanese) sometimes, but when he talk to me, he is kinda masculine i guess lol.. but when he talks to the other girls, he seriously acts too much like a girl, sometimes, he makes the gestures too, and when he does that, i'd be like so much amuse, and grins (at myself.). like..seriously man.. this guy is totally not normal. i can feel it in my bones lol and still, why??? why do i still fall for him?????? like, i m asking the same question everyday.. i kept asking myself, "WHY?? WHY HIM???"

so, i think harder... what is it that made me fall for him? what did he do? after much thought, maybe  it is bcoz he is such a family man.. i can see he cares for his family very much,, he gives his mother money every month, even though his salary is not that much. he also afford to buy his own car using his own hard earn money. i respect that kinda guy. and i guess, after a while, the respect kinda turns to love... he is really a great guy. the way he treats his family with so much love and care, makes me want to be a part of his family too.. oh my god, i m getting all teary again.. i will nvr find guy like him again.. i m so sad..

tat is all for today..

Random talk session 278

Hello diary today is 8th april.

So sad.  So sad.  Being too near to crush is so freakin sad to me. The thought of being so close to him is making me very happy, but when i m actually is near him it is so painful. I m keeping my poker face,cant even hav proper conversation with him. I hate the way i am.. I hate tis feeling, it makes me wanna cry..  

Why do i hav to fall for him???? The wall i created in my heart should be not tis weak. I just wanna obsessed wit anime characters and seiyuu not real person that i see almost evrday. I am hungry,but being near him makes me wanna vomit, so i ended not finishing my dinner.. I woke up in the morning, and the 1st thing i think about is him, and he makes my stomach hurt and makes me hav no appetite even though i m actually very hungry..arghhhhh...do u think i like this feeling???  Freakin no!!!  

Ugh being human so hard.. I just wanna be happy..yes. seeing him makes me happy but he makes me sad even more.  Ughhhhhh... Damn all this emotion!!!! When are you gonnA go away? Till he finally go away? Yes, he is going away, and that makes me even more sad.. Ugh tears are coming out i better stop tis here..

Bye..