Random talk session 283: heartbroken...

hello diary..

ok, like the title says, i m currently heartbroken..

my crush already find his love, and he is really in love.. and it sadden me so..

i feel like a fool for liking him in the 1st place...

and now, i m slowly tending to my broken to pieces heart..

oh well.. actually i dont want to think about it anymore..

i just want to forget this feelings..

but, i need to say this.. ever since he is in a relationship, he definitely change.. and not for the good, but kind of in bad way.. he only care about his new found love now, and dun care about his other friends anymore. to shorten, he is not a gentleman anymore. he wont wait for his friends, he wont help his friends. he only cares for his new love now. dude, pls dont be like that. to be in a relationship, doesnt mean that you have to abandon your (girl) friends.. he used to be so kind before. but now, i guess that kindness is only for his love.. why did u hav to change man? now i feel like i started to dislike him for what he has become..

okay, that is all for today.

i dont want tis feelings anymore...i hate you..

Random talk session 282

hello diary.. today is 9th of may,..

everyday is so hard now.. i am sad all the time.. i want to cry all the time.. i dont want to cry, but!! it is so hard to contain this feelings.. pls.. pls..

i dont want to feel this way.. i want to forget,,, pls let me fall for anyone else, i cant handle this feelings.. if i can fall for someone like him, most definitely i can fall for any other people, right? so pls, i beg to myself.. dont make me feel it anymore.. this crush is so painful!! i dont want it anymore... i cant take it anymore..

pls.. go away,..

i hope i can change my shift,,,

i hope he goes away asap..

seeing him everyday, hurts me everyday...

i try to avoid him, but how can i? when he is on the next shift, right after mine? when we are on the same shift??? the more i avoid him, the more it hurts when i accidentally saw him (while avoiding him).. it just makes me think about him,, even my dream cant escape from him... i hate that i m so weak, that i am such a loser, that i cant forget about him.

i already accepted that i will nvr be in a relationship with him. i know that so damn well, but why is that my feelings wont go away??? damn it go away alreadyyyy!!!!!!!!!!! i hate this feelings!!!!!!!!!! I HATE HIM!!!! THIS CRUSH IS OVER!!!! I DONT LOVE HIM!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT TO FORGET!!!!!!!!! I M SICK OF BEING SAD EVERYDAY JUST BECAUSE OF A FREAKIN GUY!!!!!!!!! I M MUCH BETTER THAN THAT!!!!!!!! I M MUCH BETTER THAN THAT!!!!!!! I AM A STRONG PERSON!!!!!!!!!! GOD PLS HELP ME, HELP ME TO FORGET HIM...

life was so much easier before.. i would just watch seiyuu videos...think of an idea to make a gif for my tumblr.. then making the gifs itself.. i would spent so much time on this, just to make mere 4 sets of gifs..

maybe i shud do that again.. maybe that is the distraction that i need.. but, the problem is, it is so hard to concentrate when all i think about is him.. anyway, maybe it is a start..

that is all for today i guess.. hoping tomoro is a better day..

Random talk session 281

hello diary..today is 4th of may..

so.. it has been, 2 weeks that i didnt write here.. nothing much happened i guess.. i didnt get to see him that much, and i admit, i really miss him. 

i miss him. yet, i try to avoid him. just like the other day, i use a different door to exit the lab coz i dun want to see him.. coz, i know, if i saw him, it will just make me miss him more. ugh. 

there are things, i want to talk to him, but my mouth just wont say it.. as a result, i didnt even talk properly to him.. i.. i hate that i m so awkward wit him.. 

so, the other day, our group, kinda has a bbq session at a park nearby, and we stayed overnight. i m not use to these kinda things (things like group activity..i m an introvert ok, i hate crowds and hate social activities).. while the others are enjoying themselves,i just stay quiet at the corner alone, not saying anything.. i felt kinda alone. but then, he ask me, "why are u so quiet?" i know, he is just saying that, bcoz he is a good people person, but still, it make me extremely happy, i started to cry after that.. (and since i was alone, nobody notice..). I was seriously feeling down, coz i feel like i didnt belong, but when he ask me that, suddenly, those feelings doesnt matter anymore. It is bcoz it was him that ask me the question.. how can i explain this feelings???? i.. i.. *sigh*

ok, so next day, i was working the day shift wit him.. unusually, things werent awkward much that day. i speak to him casually, and he was kinda, kind (?) to me.. i was feeling cloud nine that day i guess lol.. but of course, the next day, things become awkward again lol like, ugh

seriously, i just cant get myself to talk to him properly, if there are things he wants to give, he just gives it to me. no words exchange. like, my mind cant process what to say to him at all, so i just stay quiet. ugh.

ok, that is all for today i guess.. not much to tell anymore.. i just,, miss him..so dearly..