Random talk session 274

hello diary.. today is 31st march... time flies so fast...

i dont have no one to talk to about my feelings, so i m gonna put it here. at least, my future self will read this, about this crush of mine..

so yeah.. i m still not over it,, gah.. my feelings.. it hurts, i want to cry..

i remember his car smell, and it makes me miss him, even though i just saw him yesterday..

i remember before this, when there were just the 2 of us in the room, we would both stay silent, while helping each other out with our works.. i thought: "wow, this is a very awkward silent..(giggles)..." it was kinda amusing at that time..

looking back at our work schedule. i notice, i've been in the same shift wit him for almost a year... i saw him almost everyday.. more than anyone.. but i couldn't care less at that times.. i was preoccupied with my suzu obsession lol

now that my suzu's obsession is finally tuned down, there is finally some space on my heart for something else lol.. ah, but why it has to be him.. i rather it be an idol or some seiyuu.. i just had to fall for someone so near to be.. i just cant handle this intense feeling, it is making me crazy..

ah, yeah.. he is also one of the people that ever saw me crying.. i cut myself, then they treated me, and i was kinda overwhelming by the kindness of my coworkers, that i started crying (i was bleeding, but it didnt hurt that much to cry over). he was there too.. *sigh* oh, dear crush, you were always there, with me..

the other day, we were washing the bottles, and i was getting the cap off, when he offered his hand, i was strangely happy coz i got to touch his palm lightly...

i want to always see him, but i dont want to meet eyes wit him, so i just look at his back or his shoes.. not his face.. but sometimes, we talk about some mundane topics, and our eyes met, my heart starts to skip a beat.. i look away, doing other doings, while having war of the brain and the heart..

he seriously makes me crazy, and i will never say this feeling to him.

when i saw a picture of him wit other girl on his tab, i just know, i will nvr be wit him. and it hurts. i  realize, i just had an experience of a broken heart, and it is, really... hurtful.

still.. i know, this is only a crush. and i will not be in any relationship. so.. i'll always be here, just admiring you from the distant.. till this crush goes away..

ok..  that is for today.. i think i feel a little better now..

Random talk session 273: ah, i cant handle my heart

hello diary.. today is 28th march. 

erm, last year i was in singapore at tis time lol

i would hav been more excited if i m not busy handling my freakin feelings...

damn it,, my feelings has been worsen since that day i knew, i had a freakin crush..

the butterfly in the stomach feelings that i got, is making me all sick.. i have no appetite, always want to go to the toilet, cant sleep at night..  i cant stop thinking about him!! this feelings is seriously killing me.. before this, i can sleep for 20hours, but now i will suddenly wake up in the night, and begin to think of him, and i ended cant go to sleep at all! ugh it is so freakin painful!! i feel like crying, my chest wanna burst, i wanna scream!! ughhhhhh it is seriously driving me crazy!! when he flirts wit other girls my feels starts to stir up, gah i really hate that feeling the most..

.. but alas, when i got to see him, that feeling of ecstasy, is also something that i want to feel forever. aiihh,,damn it all.. 

so, today, i got to my work place, and went straight to where i was working, i dun want to see him at all. then, i need to call the boss to ask her about something, and guess who pick up the phone.. yes, it's him. just hearing his voice makes my heart bloom, i shout to my head "hey there, i miss you". a few moments later, he also came to the *ttt* and even though i kept a poker face, my inner self is all screaming... the plan was, i wanted to avoid him the whole today, but i cant after all.. 

ughh... i hate myself. what the hell happened that made me feel this way.. life was so much simpler when i was obsessing on some seiyuu,,, 

ok diary, that is all today. erm, some bad things happened to him, and i feel so sad for him. i just hope he will get over it anyway. 

until next time! bye~!

Random talk session 272: damn it heart

hello diary. today is 25th of march, i m writing tis at 1.30am lol 

ok.. lately.. i think i m beginning to crush on somebody, again. for the nth infinite times. seriously, i hate myself, for being so easily to fall for someone. i despise myself. i hate tis feelings. like i want to scream. it is better to have obsession for some artist/idol/actor/seiyuu/anime character even. Having a crush on real life person that u see and meet everyday is so painful..

why am i suddenly feeling this way towards him???????? i have known the guy for quite some times but i never had this feeling...erm, maybe becoz my suzu's obsession is getting, sad to say, declining now. heh, my suzu's obsession was really on fire last year, but now, i dont feel as passionate. it's always become like this.. when i got obsessed wit something, it is not for so long. for example, the jpop band, NEWS, wow, my obsession level was, really, something back then. but now, i dont feel anything at all towards them. i m such a cruel person. i hate the way i am. i want to be loyal, but my feelings just dont last that much. 

so, yeah, tis current crush too, will also come to an end. i just hope it will end faster... 

thinking of him makes me feels happy, seeing him makes me even happier. but i still hate this feeling. when i like someone, i get to conscious of the person. "if i do this, what would he think?? you get me?? like, everything i do or say, i m always concern of what he might think about it. 

i dont want to be near him (becoz he makes my heart beats fast.. ) but after all, of coz i want to be near him all the time, see, how complicated is my feelings??? like earlier.. i kinda hav a feeling someone was behind me, and he like, appeared suddenly. and my heart start to do it thing, and cant even say anything to him. i want to say something, but i kept quiet. like what the hell brain???? i know what i wanted to ask, but my mouth just dun want to say it,. i ended doing other things (whilst thinking of him..damn what the hell, me..)

.... so painful. this feeling is so painful.

that is all diary. maybe i do an update on this current crush later lol

Random talk session 271: Looking back..

hello diary.. today is 14th of march 2016. ah, it is not a good year. lately, i dont feel good at all, sad and angry all the time. life is so hard.. i hate feeling this way..

anyway, that is not my main point today. i wanna talk about what fandom i got into last year.

1. House MD
- Good show. tis year i havent found good tv series to watch.. supernatural is getting ridiculous and boring. I absolutely given up watching once upon a time, it is a good show, but i really cant stand all the drama and conflict..

2. Kamen Rider Den-o
- Also Kamen rider kabuto, After that i tried watching the other rider series too, but i m so lazy.. really wanna check out wizard, but ughhh so lazy.. anyways, den-o is still the best for me.

And for this year, it is, Bob's burger lol It is a good show. Very funny family show. For once, the father is not crazy (like peter or homer). My fav character is Tina lol

ah, this is why i dont write here anymore. no idea at all...

that is all i guess?