Random talk session 283: heartbroken...

hello diary..

ok, like the title says, i m currently heartbroken..

my crush already find his love, and he is really in love.. and it sadden me so..

i feel like a fool for liking him in the 1st place...

and now, i m slowly tending to my broken to pieces heart..

oh well.. actually i dont want to think about it anymore..

i just want to forget this feelings..

but, i need to say this.. ever since he is in a relationship, he definitely change.. and not for the good, but kind of in bad way.. he only care about his new found love now, and dun care about his other friends anymore. to shorten, he is not a gentleman anymore. he wont wait for his friends, he wont help his friends. he only cares for his new love now. dude, pls dont be like that. to be in a relationship, doesnt mean that you have to abandon your (girl) friends.. he used to be so kind before. but now, i guess that kindness is only for his love.. why did u hav to change man? now i feel like i started to dislike him for what he has become..

okay, that is all for today.

i dont want tis feelings anymore...i hate you..

Random talk session 282

hello diary.. today is 9th of may,..

everyday is so hard now.. i am sad all the time.. i want to cry all the time.. i dont want to cry, but!! it is so hard to contain this feelings.. pls.. pls..

i dont want to feel this way.. i want to forget,,, pls let me fall for anyone else, i cant handle this feelings.. if i can fall for someone like him, most definitely i can fall for any other people, right? so pls, i beg to myself.. dont make me feel it anymore.. this crush is so painful!! i dont want it anymore... i cant take it anymore..

pls.. go away,..

i hope i can change my shift,,,

i hope he goes away asap..

seeing him everyday, hurts me everyday...

i try to avoid him, but how can i? when he is on the next shift, right after mine? when we are on the same shift??? the more i avoid him, the more it hurts when i accidentally saw him (while avoiding him).. it just makes me think about him,, even my dream cant escape from him... i hate that i m so weak, that i am such a loser, that i cant forget about him.

i already accepted that i will nvr be in a relationship with him. i know that so damn well, but why is that my feelings wont go away??? damn it go away alreadyyyy!!!!!!!!!!! i hate this feelings!!!!!!!!!! I HATE HIM!!!! THIS CRUSH IS OVER!!!! I DONT LOVE HIM!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT TO FORGET!!!!!!!!! I M SICK OF BEING SAD EVERYDAY JUST BECAUSE OF A FREAKIN GUY!!!!!!!!! I M MUCH BETTER THAN THAT!!!!!!!! I M MUCH BETTER THAN THAT!!!!!!! I AM A STRONG PERSON!!!!!!!!!! GOD PLS HELP ME, HELP ME TO FORGET HIM...

life was so much easier before.. i would just watch seiyuu videos...think of an idea to make a gif for my tumblr.. then making the gifs itself.. i would spent so much time on this, just to make mere 4 sets of gifs..

maybe i shud do that again.. maybe that is the distraction that i need.. but, the problem is, it is so hard to concentrate when all i think about is him.. anyway, maybe it is a start..

that is all for today i guess.. hoping tomoro is a better day..

Random talk session 281

hello diary..today is 4th of may..

so.. it has been, 2 weeks that i didnt write here.. nothing much happened i guess.. i didnt get to see him that much, and i admit, i really miss him. 

i miss him. yet, i try to avoid him. just like the other day, i use a different door to exit the lab coz i dun want to see him.. coz, i know, if i saw him, it will just make me miss him more. ugh. 

there are things, i want to talk to him, but my mouth just wont say it.. as a result, i didnt even talk properly to him.. i.. i hate that i m so awkward wit him.. 

so, the other day, our group, kinda has a bbq session at a park nearby, and we stayed overnight. i m not use to these kinda things (things like group activity..i m an introvert ok, i hate crowds and hate social activities).. while the others are enjoying themselves,i just stay quiet at the corner alone, not saying anything.. i felt kinda alone. but then, he ask me, "why are u so quiet?" i know, he is just saying that, bcoz he is a good people person, but still, it make me extremely happy, i started to cry after that.. (and since i was alone, nobody notice..). I was seriously feeling down, coz i feel like i didnt belong, but when he ask me that, suddenly, those feelings doesnt matter anymore. It is bcoz it was him that ask me the question.. how can i explain this feelings???? i.. i.. *sigh*

ok, so next day, i was working the day shift wit him.. unusually, things werent awkward much that day. i speak to him casually, and he was kinda, kind (?) to me.. i was feeling cloud nine that day i guess lol.. but of course, the next day, things become awkward again lol like, ugh

seriously, i just cant get myself to talk to him properly, if there are things he wants to give, he just gives it to me. no words exchange. like, my mind cant process what to say to him at all, so i just stay quiet. ugh.

ok, that is all for today i guess.. not much to tell anymore.. i just,, miss him..so dearly..

Random talk session 280

hello diary.. today is 15th of april (1.29am)

ok, more about my crush.. like, omg this guy, why does he acts so much "onee" ugh.. i just wanna facepalm.. and laugh, not at him, but at myself, for freakin fall in love wit that kinda guy.. like oh my god why does he is like that lol... anyway..  erm, so yeah, some things happened, and i got to take his pictures lol of course it happened indirectly.. i didnt ask for any pictures, but yeah, i m just so lazy to retell the story lol in short, i m just so happy that i got pictures of him XD

oh.. and earlier, i was singing "if i let you go" by westlife, and i thought about him, that i cry while singing,, oh my dear crush, you make me cry..

aii.. i dunno what else to write..that is all?

until next time..

Random talk session 279

hello diary, today is 9th of april..

just got off of work... still one nite to go..

yesterday was kinda bliss for me, coz i went to work wit him (on his car).. this is maybe one of the last chance that it is only us two.. sitting next to him, to talk to him, makes me so happy.. and now that we are apart again, i m still thinking bout him.. damn it..

i maybe look like i m avoiding him, but of coz i want to stay close to him always..

ugh.. oh feels..the feels is too much..

edit later..

hello diary,, today is 12th april.. i wanna add in some things...

so.. yeah,, thinking of my crush.. like, is just too funny.. like, so many people, and why i has to crush on him?? his biggest flaw, i m very very very bad to say this, but he is not that much of a man... lol.. kinda have this "pondan" vibe to him.. i have felt like that from the 1st time i met him. that is why, it is still a mystery that i can fall for this guy.. though he is kinda "onee" (the phrase in japanese) sometimes, but when he talk to me, he is kinda masculine i guess lol.. but when he talks to the other girls, he seriously acts too much like a girl, sometimes, he makes the gestures too, and when he does that, i'd be like so much amuse, and grins (at myself.). like..seriously man.. this guy is totally not normal. i can feel it in my bones lol and still, why??? why do i still fall for him?????? like, i m asking the same question everyday.. i kept asking myself, "WHY?? WHY HIM???"

so, i think harder... what is it that made me fall for him? what did he do? after much thought, maybe  it is bcoz he is such a family man.. i can see he cares for his family very much,, he gives his mother money every month, even though his salary is not that much. he also afford to buy his own car using his own hard earn money. i respect that kinda guy. and i guess, after a while, the respect kinda turns to love... he is really a great guy. the way he treats his family with so much love and care, makes me want to be a part of his family too.. oh my god, i m getting all teary again.. i will nvr find guy like him again.. i m so sad..

tat is all for today..

Random talk session 278

Hello diary today is 8th april.

So sad.  So sad.  Being too near to crush is so freakin sad to me. The thought of being so close to him is making me very happy, but when i m actually is near him it is so painful. I m keeping my poker face,cant even hav proper conversation with him. I hate the way i am.. I hate tis feeling, it makes me wanna cry..  

Why do i hav to fall for him???? The wall i created in my heart should be not tis weak. I just wanna obsessed wit anime characters and seiyuu not real person that i see almost evrday. I am hungry,but being near him makes me wanna vomit, so i ended not finishing my dinner.. I woke up in the morning, and the 1st thing i think about is him, and he makes my stomach hurt and makes me hav no appetite even though i m actually very hungry..arghhhhh...do u think i like this feeling???  Freakin no!!!  

Ugh being human so hard.. I just wanna be happy..yes. seeing him makes me happy but he makes me sad even more.  Ughhhhhh... Damn all this emotion!!!! When are you gonnA go away? Till he finally go away? Yes, he is going away, and that makes me even more sad.. Ugh tears are coming out i better stop tis here..

Bye.. 

Random talk session 277

hello diary.. today is 4th april..

erm.. still struggling wit my feelings.. i thought i was over him, but ugh, why do i still feel happy when i think about him..

i need to get over him. and ASAP. Oh pls heart, pls dont do this anymore.. i m already hurt so much now...

i dont suppose to fall in love so easily.. even though i hav been working wit the guy for this long, i nvr had any feelings towards him.. so, why does i felt this way now?? as i remember.. it started with jealously i guess? becoz he was my partner all this time, so when he suddenly partner wit other people, i felt kinda jealous? is this right?? am i really jealous? but if i got jealous, doesnt that mean, that i actually felt he was special to me all this time? but since he was always there i always take him for granted?? really? ahh.. i dont think so. but i think so too.. i dunno anymore.. all i know is i really, really am falling for him now..

ahhh.. it still hurts. love hurts my heart.. i cant.. i cant.. freakin stop..damn it..

i think of him too much, i will definitely be too shy to see him again in 2 days.. and yet, i cant wait to see him again..

ugh i cant handle this feelings..

am i this desperate to fall in love?? that i fall for just anyone, that is in my vicinity?? and since he was the one that i met the most, that i fall for him?? is that the reason for this crush?? i cant answer that at all..


that is all for today.

until next time...

Random talk session 276

Hello diary.. today is 3rd of april.12:52 am.. i m still not sleeping even though i got work tomoro morning..

anyway..erm, so i was re-reading my entry years ago (i didnt post it here, but i save it on my hard disk), when i also had a crush on someone.. from the way i m writing it. i can say, it's the same feeling i m having now...

and now, i dont feel anything towards the guy anymore.. just a matter of time for me to get over on my current crush too.. heh,the more i think about it, the more i feel like i m getting over it.. bit by bit.. it is a good thing i guess.. i dont feel the butterly in my stomach when i think of him now..



oh well..

.... the feelings are gradually gone now..

that was fast, eh?

until later.. bye..

Random talk session 275

hello diary. today is 1st of april (1.24am now)

damn it, i am helplessly in love damn it.. the world suddenly feels wonderful, just becoz he freakin call me (tho, it was only mere coincidence. if t was not there, anyone could have received the call from him..). I just happened to be there.. . Reality is being too damn nice to me recently.. i think some bad things is just waiting to happen. Before that, let me hang onto tis wonderful feeling..

so, i didnt mention it, but my crush is going home (holiday) for a few days. i m gonna miss him. My plan today was, i wanted to say "good bye" to him.. but i got to the lab a little late, so i didnt even get to see him.. "oh well" that was i thought.. maybe i will use this time to calm  my feelings down. i know i m gonna miss him, but being apart from him is for the better. i cant handle my feelings if i m near him.. so anyway, so there i was, was busy doing my things.. when suddenly, my coworker hand over his phone, and said it is "him" and he wanted to talk to me. Like, i was already accepting the fact that i m not gonna see him for while, and suddenly, i got to hear his voice.. this bliss, it is so much..  i was so happy, my hand were trembling.. i kept thinking of him, i almost vomit on my dinner..

why am i so hopelessly, helplessly, in love with this guy..

why.. oh why..

Random talk session 274

hello diary.. today is 31st march... time flies so fast...

i dont have no one to talk to about my feelings, so i m gonna put it here. at least, my future self will read this, about this crush of mine..

so yeah.. i m still not over it,, gah.. my feelings.. it hurts, i want to cry..

i remember his car smell, and it makes me miss him, even though i just saw him yesterday..

i remember before this, when there were just the 2 of us in the room, we would both stay silent, while helping each other out with our works.. i thought: "wow, this is a very awkward silent..(giggles)..." it was kinda amusing at that time..

looking back at our work schedule. i notice, i've been in the same shift wit him for almost a year... i saw him almost everyday.. more than anyone.. but i couldn't care less at that times.. i was preoccupied with my suzu obsession lol

now that my suzu's obsession is finally tuned down, there is finally some space on my heart for something else lol.. ah, but why it has to be him.. i rather it be an idol or some seiyuu.. i just had to fall for someone so near to be.. i just cant handle this intense feeling, it is making me crazy..

ah, yeah.. he is also one of the people that ever saw me crying.. i cut myself, then they treated me, and i was kinda overwhelming by the kindness of my coworkers, that i started crying (i was bleeding, but it didnt hurt that much to cry over). he was there too.. *sigh* oh, dear crush, you were always there, with me..

the other day, we were washing the bottles, and i was getting the cap off, when he offered his hand, i was strangely happy coz i got to touch his palm lightly...

i want to always see him, but i dont want to meet eyes wit him, so i just look at his back or his shoes.. not his face.. but sometimes, we talk about some mundane topics, and our eyes met, my heart starts to skip a beat.. i look away, doing other doings, while having war of the brain and the heart..

he seriously makes me crazy, and i will never say this feeling to him.

when i saw a picture of him wit other girl on his tab, i just know, i will nvr be wit him. and it hurts. i  realize, i just had an experience of a broken heart, and it is, really... hurtful.

still.. i know, this is only a crush. and i will not be in any relationship. so.. i'll always be here, just admiring you from the distant.. till this crush goes away..

ok..  that is for today.. i think i feel a little better now..

Random talk session 273: ah, i cant handle my heart

hello diary.. today is 28th march. 

erm, last year i was in singapore at tis time lol

i would hav been more excited if i m not busy handling my freakin feelings...

damn it,, my feelings has been worsen since that day i knew, i had a freakin crush..

the butterfly in the stomach feelings that i got, is making me all sick.. i have no appetite, always want to go to the toilet, cant sleep at night..  i cant stop thinking about him!! this feelings is seriously killing me.. before this, i can sleep for 20hours, but now i will suddenly wake up in the night, and begin to think of him, and i ended cant go to sleep at all! ugh it is so freakin painful!! i feel like crying, my chest wanna burst, i wanna scream!! ughhhhhh it is seriously driving me crazy!! when he flirts wit other girls my feels starts to stir up, gah i really hate that feeling the most..

.. but alas, when i got to see him, that feeling of ecstasy, is also something that i want to feel forever. aiihh,,damn it all.. 

so, today, i got to my work place, and went straight to where i was working, i dun want to see him at all. then, i need to call the boss to ask her about something, and guess who pick up the phone.. yes, it's him. just hearing his voice makes my heart bloom, i shout to my head "hey there, i miss you". a few moments later, he also came to the *ttt* and even though i kept a poker face, my inner self is all screaming... the plan was, i wanted to avoid him the whole today, but i cant after all.. 

ughh... i hate myself. what the hell happened that made me feel this way.. life was so much simpler when i was obsessing on some seiyuu,,, 

ok diary, that is all today. erm, some bad things happened to him, and i feel so sad for him. i just hope he will get over it anyway. 

until next time! bye~!

Random talk session 272: damn it heart

hello diary. today is 25th of march, i m writing tis at 1.30am lol 

ok.. lately.. i think i m beginning to crush on somebody, again. for the nth infinite times. seriously, i hate myself, for being so easily to fall for someone. i despise myself. i hate tis feelings. like i want to scream. it is better to have obsession for some artist/idol/actor/seiyuu/anime character even. Having a crush on real life person that u see and meet everyday is so painful..

why am i suddenly feeling this way towards him???????? i have known the guy for quite some times but i never had this feeling...erm, maybe becoz my suzu's obsession is getting, sad to say, declining now. heh, my suzu's obsession was really on fire last year, but now, i dont feel as passionate. it's always become like this.. when i got obsessed wit something, it is not for so long. for example, the jpop band, NEWS, wow, my obsession level was, really, something back then. but now, i dont feel anything at all towards them. i m such a cruel person. i hate the way i am. i want to be loyal, but my feelings just dont last that much. 

so, yeah, tis current crush too, will also come to an end. i just hope it will end faster... 

thinking of him makes me feels happy, seeing him makes me even happier. but i still hate this feeling. when i like someone, i get to conscious of the person. "if i do this, what would he think?? you get me?? like, everything i do or say, i m always concern of what he might think about it. 

i dont want to be near him (becoz he makes my heart beats fast.. ) but after all, of coz i want to be near him all the time, see, how complicated is my feelings??? like earlier.. i kinda hav a feeling someone was behind me, and he like, appeared suddenly. and my heart start to do it thing, and cant even say anything to him. i want to say something, but i kept quiet. like what the hell brain???? i know what i wanted to ask, but my mouth just dun want to say it,. i ended doing other things (whilst thinking of him..damn what the hell, me..)

.... so painful. this feeling is so painful.

that is all diary. maybe i do an update on this current crush later lol

Random talk session 271: Looking back..

hello diary.. today is 14th of march 2016. ah, it is not a good year. lately, i dont feel good at all, sad and angry all the time. life is so hard.. i hate feeling this way..

anyway, that is not my main point today. i wanna talk about what fandom i got into last year.

1. House MD
- Good show. tis year i havent found good tv series to watch.. supernatural is getting ridiculous and boring. I absolutely given up watching once upon a time, it is a good show, but i really cant stand all the drama and conflict..

2. Kamen Rider Den-o
- Also Kamen rider kabuto, After that i tried watching the other rider series too, but i m so lazy.. really wanna check out wizard, but ughhh so lazy.. anyways, den-o is still the best for me.

And for this year, it is, Bob's burger lol It is a good show. Very funny family show. For once, the father is not crazy (like peter or homer). My fav character is Tina lol

ah, this is why i dont write here anymore. no idea at all...

that is all i guess?

Random talk session 270: 2016 already

hello diary. it's 3rd january today. and it's 2016. wow, i got to admit, i totally abandon this site.

as it is the new year, let's do the meme!! start!


2015

What fandoms did you acquire in 2015?
.... erm.. none? 1 thing for sure, i got more deep into seiyuu more specifically suzu fandom lolz

What fandoms did you let go of in 2015?
... dun hav that much fandom to even let go.. erm,maybe terashii lol.. ok, he was one of my obsession in 2014 but i dont feel it anymore starting last year, i guess it's because i m pouring too much love to suzu lolz oh, i remember, also gintama.. i dont feel the love anymore.. ermm..

What fandoms do you intend on checking out in 2016?
erm.. what ever catches my eyes i guess? i wonder who/what it will  be..

i cut more than half the questions. i used to write more before, but now i m so bore and lazy to do it anymore.. and i feel like i m always so tired and mad all the time. it's so frustrating..

ok, for this year, i didnt celebrate at the lab, i was working on the 4pm shift, yeah, so when it was 12am, i was on my back back from work.. nothing special tis year..

oh, also, i m thinking of going to japan this year.. hoping i can do this..

ok that's all.. until,...next year? lol..sorry diary,...