Random talk session 299: Heartbroken

Hello diary

Today is 25th april...

Sad to say.. I m so sad. It has since yesterday.  In another words, i m heartbroken.. Ahhh... I m so so sad.. I want to cry..

Alan..  And his scandal..  Why wouldn't he just date a normal person??? Whyyy???  He is surrounded by so many cute girls in the company (like e girls) and his co star,  like Nagano Mei,  but why must be go for the ones he dont supposed to fall in love with!! Not to mention, FOR THE 2ND TIME!! AHHH IT MAKES ME SO MAD!! I know it is not fault, i m trying so hard to defend him from myself. I want to hate him so much, i want to forget him. And yet, there is another side of me, telling myself that i shouldnt blame him for what happened.. if he is at fault for falling in love with someone he shouldn't have, then, i am at fault too, coz i also fell in love with him.. me, who has closed my heart to anyone, but he still managed to get through and sneaked into my heart... and i accepted him... he became the light of my life..

i am so affected by this, coz he is my bias. i never admit it, but ok, here, i m gonna say it, he is my ultimate bias. If he was not part of Gene, i think i will never get into the group at all. I am so charmed by him.. I think, deep down, i knew he was gonna be a heart breaker, so i tried to find someone that i can love more than him... and i unconsciously, choose Ryuto..  For his birthday December last year, i made a Ryuto post everyday. so, i was watching more Ryuto than Alan.. at one point, i was questioning myself, "Do i love Ryuto more than Alan now??? What if i go to another concert, i wonder which one i will choose to look at???" Coz, last time, it was totally Alan, i cant get my eyes off of him at all.. and finally, during their China Tour, that i was able to go to, i got the answer. Alan is still magic after all. For the opening, i looked at Ryuto first, i cant stop staring at him.. but then i saw Alan, and then, my eyes just on him. Even though, Ryuto is much easier to watch from where i am, i still looked at Alan...

i guess, there is a reason, why my theme song for Alan is "Love You More" i will always love him more... as for Ryuto, his theme song is "Always with You" coz i want to be with him always.. even though my love is for alan?? lol!! ahh.. my feelings are so complicated... watching Alan now is just so hard for me.. it makes me so sad.. so i have stopped watching Gene videos... i dunno when will i recover from this... maybe until he updates? who knows... even if he updates, can i overcome this sadness in my heart? i guess we will have to wait and see..

Alan... i still love you so much...but it is so hard to see you..

ok diary.. until next time..